The Bullies You'll Meet Throughout Life

Bullies range in all shapes, sizes, age, motives, testosterone levels, and more. But like any heterogenous group of people, it’s fun to categorize them in an arbitrary taxonomy. Wielding my power of stereotyping, I will attempt to label bullies in some meaningful way. Throughout our lives we encounter different types of bullies. There are about three variables that change as the bullies change throughout time: 1) Source of bully power 2) Prospective victims 3) Means of torment. Lets begin with the earliest known form of a bully usually found on the kindergarten playground.

The Future Rapist

- Where he is found – Kindergarten playground
- Source of bully power – This bully has enough libido to fuel an army of erectile dysfunctional penises. His sex craving genetic gift mixed in with the stupidity of being a five-year-old gives him his bully potential.
- Prospective victims – His victims are a mix of boys and girls ranging from ages 1 – 6; he takes advantage of the younger ones who don’t yet have the vocabulary or mental capacity to say “No!”
- Means of torment – First he taunts his victims by yelling obscenities at them like, “Want to taste my poop?” After breaking his victim’s comfort zone he swiftly reaches for their genitals and retreats back to the swing sets. This process occurs anywhere from four to seven times during recess.

The Fatty

- Where he is found – Elementary school
- Source of bully power – This child’s weight is about two standard deviations above the mean. Assuming that a person can lift their own weight, this bully automatically has the ability to choke slam two upper graders simultaneously. His love for Twinkies and French Fries has made his strength unmatched.
- Prospective victims – Anyone who tampers with his fragile emotional state induced by his constant struggle of coping with be so fucking fat... or the guy who took the last Jell-o pudding from the cafeteria.
- Means of torment – Wedgies, knuckle sandwiches, hurts donut, or basically any acts of violence that have euphemisms which sound like they could be eatable.

The Meathead

- Where he is found – High school
- Source of bully power – Due to either a high consumption of hormone induced chicken or ungodly genes, this bully started puberty at age 8 and by his first year in High School in top physical shape. While the other boys are still shorter and scrawnier than most girls, this bully physically dominates his high school peers.
- Prospective victims – Anyone his older brother tells him to beat up.
- Means of torment – With great power comes great responsibility; unfortunately, The Meathead only has a middle school education with a skull thicker than his femur. This unstable combination of power and stupidity is as dangerous as a ten-year-old with flammable ninja stars. With this imagery in your mind, you can imagine the pain inflicted on his victims.

The Corporate Cunt

- Where he is found – Corporations
- Source of bully power – Back in the schoolyard, power was derived from physical strength; in the corporate world, power comes with the ability to make others work on Saturdays. As a corporate peon who happens to be one rung higher than you, The Corporate Cunt never hesitates to make you work on Saturday.
- Prospective victims – Employees on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
- Means of torment – Will assign mandatory Saturday work on the grounds of “because I said so.” Will remind employees every day of the week that there is a mandatory meeting on Saturday. Flips a coin and says that if it lands on heads there is work on Saturday and if it lands on tails there is no work on Saturday. Then he has it land on tails and says “Actually there will be work on Saturday.”

The Old Bastard

- Where he is found – Retirement Home
- Source of bully power – He is the old guy who still maintains his youthful vigor and rubs it in everyone’s face.
- Prospective victims – Old people who have lost the will to live and vegetables.
- Means of torment – Shows off his erection through his pants too all the wallflowers at the senior ball. Lifts weights in front of the guys who can barely lift themselves out of bed. Tells the old people with chronic depression that all their pills are placebos and they should do something active instead of sob all day.

P.S. No nerds were hurt in the making of this post